Children have a completely natural ability to negotiate and (in my experience anyway) they end up winning! Grown-up professional people, manipulated and beaten into exhausted submission by toddlers. I've sat in many complex business negotiations over the years, but it's the ones with my kids which are most memorable. We could all learn a thing or two from watching how they achieve this, so keep an eye open.
They know when you want something. Don't be fooled, because they DID hear you the first time. But they are crafty little creatures and the more you ask, they more value they assign to what you want. Without even consulting their Fisher-Price Laptop or V-Tech Baby Tablet, they will, quick as a flash, ask for an appropriate concession from the running list they keep in their dastardly minds. “OK Daddy, so I will eat my bwoccowi but then can I have a ice cweam?” They never give anything away for free, and can even induce bribery!
They know which buttons to push. They know how to annoy you, frustrate you, calm you, excite, unbalance or please you, make you worried, sad, mad or glad. They don’t know HOW they know this stuff - they just know it. They know you intimately, and can manipulate how you feel, which is important if you want to get what you want.
They pick their moment to ask for important stuff. They know when you’re distracted or upset. They know when you’re tired, ill or maybe had a glass or two of wine. Why do you think they prod you in the thigh when you’re deep in conversation on the phone or completely absorbed in the spreadsheet from hell. “Mum, can I take this twenty quid so I can get my nose pierced?”
They are tenacious. What are they on? Is it the sugar? They just wear you down until you give up. It’s like they have one of those things that Iron Man has, you know, the miniature atomic energy gadget. Relentless little people who are one tenth of our size but have ten times more energy. We really don’t stand a chance do we!
They know who to ask. Kids have a prodigious talent for this –when more than one parent is available, this gives options. Mum and Dad are different – different opinions, vulnerabilities and standards. They know that sometimes it’s better to ask Mum something; sometimes it’s better to ask Dad. Even more slippery is when they ask BOTH and play them against each other.
Bombard then focus. This is a great natural technique which children use often. “During the school holidays can I have three sleep-overs, and can we go to the zoo tomorrow, and on Friday can we go swimming, and can we get a puppy and can we have take-out pizza tonight and and and and and”. So, once your eardrums stop bleeding and they ask “ok, well if nothing else, can I please have three sleep-overs” you are more likely to agree.
BREAK GLASS EMERGENCY TOOLKIT
The best juvenile negotiators know that, when all else fails, they have more in their arsenal, another bag of dark arts which they can employ to break a stalemate. These need no explanation, but a note of caution – trying to find a work-place parallel to use these techniques doesn't always work out well.
- Be generally cute and irresistible.
- Pretend to be ill to gain sympathy.
- Change the rules/move the goalposts.
- Use guilt (“but Sophie's parents got her a puppy, they must love her more than you love me”)
And of course, the ultimate child negotiation fall back: throw a tantrum, stamp your feet, shout, scream and break stuff then hold your breath until you pass out.